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Hopefully we'd achieve greater clarity on the way to laser focus. Simple questions work best too. Writer and virtuoso coach Claire Pedrick has written about how to have transformational conversations by doing less. 

"What shall we ask questions about today?" 

"What is our question today?"

"How will we know when we have asked the right question?"

I was asked a question like that recently. I hope you get to be asked a question like that soon too!

In the same week that I was reminded of that saying about models, I was introduced to the idea of Polarity Management (Yes, I know - model alert!) which was first introduced in the 1970s by Barry Johnson. What I particularly like about this model is that in its simplest sense it can be distilled down to a both/and approach as a liberating alternative in a world too often constrained by either/or thinking. The idea being that we often fixate on choosing one option over another when we might actually get to where we need to be by combining the best of both “poles” - and learn something along the way. For me, that is useful.

Breathing is given as the exemplar both/and: doing too much of either pole - inhaling or exhaling - leads to the worst case scenario, death. The right balance continuously exchanges oxygen for carbon dioxide, life.

This is the bit where I challenge you to think of a practical example of a both/and. Here are five I've been looking at recently:

• Consolidated versus distributed

• Top down versus bottom up

• Global versus individual

• Open versus closed

• Shish versus Donner

I made the last one up as I haven’t had lunch yet but hopefully by now you might be able to start spotting opportunities for you own both/and thinking? (Whilst holding in mind that sometimes we still need to make some either/or decision too...) Here is a link to short TED talk introducing Polarity Management.

The value of this approach is that it brings all three horizons into play and helps challenge assumptions (from our Horizon 1 way of thinking) that may inhibit our Horizon 3 thinking. I think this is sometimes called the “deep thinking” bit.

Yesterday I had coffee with a friend who has a technology leadership role in a US firm. I often try out a new idea like this, rehearsing and seeing how it feels and sounds with a kind audience.  He instantly recognised this approach from his own work and had some useful perspectives to add.

Picking up on this the next day in preparation for a call this afternoon I was thinking again about Horizon 2 and the image of the Roman god Janus appeared in my mind's eye (a reasonable grasp of the Greek and Roman Pantheons is one of the benefits of a degree in Ancient History and Archaeology). A couple of thoughts slotted into place in one of those “aha” moments. 

And as you will know from reading a previous post: An “aha”, or insight is only as good as applying it with awareness. So, here is the “aha” insight I had and a three point plan for what I’m going to do with it:

The Roman God Janus (or Ianus) was associated with beginnings, gates, transitions, time, duality, doorways. Sometimes known as Ianus Bifrons ("Two-faced Janus") He is often depicted with two faces - and as a result looked both ways. He didn’t have a temple as such, but a gate. Janus is the titular deity for January (as Juno is for June). My “aha” came when I was thinking about the idea of facing both ways at once. In that moment, for me, the whole idea of the Three Horizons, outlined above, made sense.

So what. Well, the “what am I going to do differently as a result of this new thought?” is this:

1. I have written it down here. A simple step you might think but a useful one for me at any rate in clarifying my thoughts on this!

2. I have created a simple framework - a set of questions - that I can apply in the work I mentioned above, starting today.

3. I am going to bring my own Janus-faced two way thinking into both pieces of work and ask for specific feedback from my clients about that.

AI will never tell you the true value of Marmalade 

As did the tone - “No wonder you are feeling stressed - it must be because you haven’t got the awareness to “identify your triggers” and you aren’t “practising self-care.” You could say just thinking about that got me slightly stressed!

So, I decided to rewrite this five point plan  - partly inspired by working with a couple of recent clients who reminded me about the energy we can harness with a really exciting goal or two.  So here’s my version (note the re-ordering). 

In relation to my point number 3, here is what actress Tallulah Bankhead said that I love: “If I had to live my life again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.”

I managed to put that article to one side and ignore it over Christmas because I was having a break myself. and do you know what the first thing I did when I got back to work was this year? I eased myself in with a half a day combining some work with turning three kilos of Seville oranges into delicious marmalade. Because what sets me up for the day without fail is fresh coffee, toast and a bit of marmalade. For me, having a cupboard filled with home-made marmalade is what self-care in January looks like. And like the best good habits it just keeps giving all year long!

Harnessing your inner force to stay on course

Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi (played by Alec Guiness), Luke Skywalker and droids C3PO and R2D2 arrive at the infamous Mos Eisley Spaceport. Obi-Wan Kenobi uses his Jedi powers (The Force) to persuade the guards to let them and the droids pass through: “These aren’t the droids you are looking for,” he says.

The entranced guard repeats his words: “These aren’t the droids we are looking for,” and waves them through.

This exchange played out in my head over Christmas as I remembered the words of my client: “It isn’t a fundraising strategy we are looking for!” (In my imagination I do a very passable Alec Guiness.)

So, what is my point? Well there are two.

Firstly, very often the thing that is most on people’s minds when they perceive a fundraising challenge is a fundraising challenge. The background and wider context are just as important, if not more so. This is true of very many challenges we face if you think about it.

This was certainly the case with my client. Their thinking changed when they saw that the work they had already done got them most of the way there and the final steps were around communication, engagement and influence. That opened the door for a much more valuable exploration of what was most important - oh, and six months on fundraising targets have been exceeded.

Which links to the second point, which is about the difference between insight and awareness. The former is often about seeing or realising something for the first time. The latter is a process of development involving applied learning and change. I am pretty good a the former. In 2024 I want to pay more attention to the latter.

What could your inner force help redirect your attention to this year?

Valuing Values

I ask my clients for feedback throughout our work together and after each assignment ends. What I have noticed more recently – and particularly since setting out my intentions for how I want to bring my values into the work I do – is that they see my values as important too. This feels significant.

Why and so what? Here are a few phrases that I’ve pulled out from some recent coaching client feedback.

• It was fun... Simon pushed me out of my comfort zone

• Managed the time really effectively which made me think more deeply

• New sense of confidence around my role as a leader

• Strongly supportive listening environment 

• A leap forward both in practical terms and also in my confidence 

• The right balance between supporting and challenging

• Simon’s supportive, kind and optimistic approach has given me more clarity and confidence.

This all feels important because these sentiments echo the things against which I hold myself to account.

So, how does this help you? I’d better get on to that before I hear you cry “This just sounds like Simon bragging about his values and his nice feedback. Smug git.” 

Well, the point I want to make is this. If the things I want to “bring” to my work and the changes I make to how I turn up start appearing in client feedback, then hopefully, I’m on the right track. Self-reflection to identify my areas for development so I can add more value to the people I work with. 

I think work should be fun as well as challenging so that sounds good to me. As does creating a space to think deeply and build a sense of clarity and confidence and make progress. I certainly know that I've been at my best when those are true for me. 

I was recently at an event to launch the 15th Impact Report of the SkillsBuilder Partnership (where I spent six years of my working life – and where I probably learned more than in the previous 15!). The expert panel (always have an expert panel for an impact report launch – it adds different perspectives and humour) agreed on several things, one of which was that the skills that make us human (including listening, presenting ideas, problem-solving, creativity, aiming high, staying positive, teamwork and leadership) are the ones that distinguish us from robots (they put it more eloquently that I can). In other words, our future and our future employment depend on it. 

If you are clear on your values and can work out how to bring them to life (through the skills mentioned above) you will notice the difference. So, what are your values and how do you like them to show up?

And if you are feeling curious I've included a simple exercise, below, designed to identify your values and then reflect on them. You will need a sheet of paper, a pen and no more than 20 minutes. Try it on your own or with your team. And let me know how you get on!

How do you know you value your values? (Please skip to the bottom for questions and an exercise!)

Bringing something that had been in the background further forward really paid off.

Spending some time away from “the task” (getting the job done) and looking at “process” (the how we are and how we do things) is always useful, particularly in teams that don’t come together as regularly as they might. Values are really useful when we think about “how we show up together.”

But what about the personal values we all hold? When did you last check in on those? Often, the very act of bringing our own personal values to the surface can be surprising and revealing in unexpected ways.

Similarly, reflecting on how we bring these to the table (be it boardroom, team meeting, breakfast, supper, ping-pong, flat-packed-assembly etc) can open up new insights and possibilities.

Assuming you are clear on your personal vision (Are you? And if so, how clear?), What are the values that guide you in everything you do? If you haven’t thought about what these are recently there are plenty of freely available tools to help with that. “A nice way of getting to know yourself better,” as someone said to me recently.

The value in all of this – I think, and as coaching clients tell me – is getting stuck in and engaging with what we hold as our guiding principles. As my Venn diagram suggests, there is a careful balance to be struck between our values, our vision and our mission. And that is as true for the organisations and teams we work in and with as it is for every individual.

Here are a couple of examples of what I mean by getting “stuck in” – one is a set of questions you might ask yourself or of others; the other is a simple exercise that works as well on your own, one-to-one or in a group:

Questions: 

Thinking of a time when you felt your values were not recognised, what were you seeking to achieve? What was being said? What wasn’t said or acknowledged? What would you do differently next time?

Exercise: 

Step 1: Draw the Venn diagram (see above, three overlapping circles labelled Vision, Values, Mission).

Step 2: Write “Future” and circle it for where you want to be on that diagram. What is the balance you want between the three?

Step 3: Write “Now” and circle it for where you are now.

Step 4: What do you need to do more of, less of or differently to get from “Now” to “Future”?

And if you get stuck with any of this or would like any support with any of this please get in touch!” 

Listening with intent - from Covey to Roxette 

[Warning - this 400 word piece ends with a reference to late-1980s soft rock] 

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." Stephen Covey

For the majority of my working life I was definitely one of most people. Hopefully there is still time to put that right! 

During 20 years as a fundraiser too often I made the mistake of listening to a potential donor, and to colleagues only in order to let them finish before it was “my turn.” I definitely learned the hard way (and continue to learn) that listening, really listening, and giving someone “a really good listening to” (whoever I first heard this phrase from please let me know so I can thank you properly!) is a whole new level.

According to SkillsBuilder (the universal framework for essential skills: https://www.skillsbuilder.org/universal-framework/listening) listening is the “receiving, retaining and processing of information and ideas.” It is a teachable and learnable skill and can be broken down into steps from “getting started” (think carpet-time in primary school) to “mastery” (listening beyond simply the words being said and being able to objectively evaluate different perspectives).

If I were to ask you “How do you know someone is really listening to you?” You might say, “They are making eye contact, they don’t interrupt, and they might ask me a question or make a comment based on what I said, which might include some of the words I used.” These are all common examples given of what listening “looks like”.

If I were to ask you “How do you know you are really listening to someone else?” Would you say you do the same things? Or something else? 

When you are listening at your best, what are you doing? What are you thinking, and yes - because these matter too! - what are you feeling?

When I finally felt I was improving as a listener I became a better fundraiser and colleague. Simply put, I spent more time seeking to understand the world (the needs, wants and priorities) of the people and organsations we worked with. Today, in my work as a coach and consultant I hope my clients feel they are getting “a good listening to” as we agree what we want to achieve together and as we work towards that.

Listening is a collaboration between our whole bodies (how we sit, our gestures, for example): starting with our ears, and including our minds and our hearts. As Swedish soft-rockers Roxette put it back in 1988: “listen to your heart”. Feelings matter and exploring them is an essential part of listening.

Another musical term is “tacet” which is Latin for “it is silent” used when an instrument or section sits out a movement or even an entire piece. A tacit understanding is of course, something understood without being said.

How does a musical analogy get us any closer to understanding how to listen for meaning in silences? Well, when we listen to music we somehow know how to do it; whereas in everyday conversation we seem to have either unlearned that skill or not developed it as well as we might. Similarly we seem to have a sense of what it means to “read between the lines” and find the “hidden meaning” of a passage of poetry or prose. So why are we so bad at listening to the spaces between words? Which is, I think, the wrong - or at least a not very helpful - question.

A better question might be: How can we listen better to what is really being said? Albert Mehrabian is well known for the model that suggests communication is 7% the words we use, 38% the tone of voice and 55% the body language and facial expression.

I think therein lies the answer. We need to spend more attention on the other 93%. Here is perhaps my all time favourite - a technique learned from those far wiser than me but one that has helped me improve my own listening in every area of my life. Here it is:

“When you say [insert what they just said here], what do you mean by that?”

In our everyday conversations, hearing back what was just said can help us - both the speaker and the listener - get closer to the meaning. Sometimes it is the luxury of having the space to say it again differently and hear a different perspective. 

And going back to my early fundraising career, building rapport and trust - the foundations of any good, long-term relationships - became far more natural when I shifted to a mode of listening and curiosity about someone else’s world.

What are you doing when you are listening most effectively?

A few years ago an enlightened boss sent me on a leadership development course. I expected to be put through the grist of having my various weaknesses and blind spots highlighted and then "fixed". Based on a pre-course 360/peer feedback exercise, what surprised me was that it focused entirely on honing what others saw as my best features and even on things I enjoy doing. 

What a luxury that was. Wouldn't it be great if we all got to find our own "small good thing" and then turn it into something even better? (I'm still working on mine, by the way, including the bit where I can describe them confidently and own them consistently!)

Resilient, adjective

1. Capable of returning to an original shape or position, as after having been compressed. synonym: flexible.

2. Able to recover readily, as from misfortune.

3. Leaping back; rebounding; recoiling.

[Insert your preferred definition of resilience here] + Perspective = New and exciting ways of achieving even better results in future.

Working in fundraising for over 20 years you’d think I would have developed a thick skin and the capacity to keep going despite the occasional (quite regular?) knock back, wouldn’t you? Well, to a degree, yes. However… not always. 

For me, the most important thing is some thinking. The bit where I think about the shape I want to be (not always the original shape); where I want to leap back to (not always where I started from) and how I want things to be next time. 

A bit of perspective is a helpful ingredient at this point. (Here’s a link to download my Perspective Tool for some thoughts on that).

And if I’m honest, I actually think thin skin is better; it is more sensitive to stimuli and therefore able to send more useful information up to the brain; it also repairs itself more quickly.

If part of it is being able to turn set-backs into positives (which it is, as the now well-established SkillsBuilder Framework for Essential Skills underlines) then fundraisers - and anyone determined to achieve more for themselves and those around them - need the bits of the definitions above that are flexible, able to recover readily, leaping forward and bounding onward - along with the sometimes too often missing piece (for me, anyway) of reflecting and learning. 

Don’t ask ”how resilient are you?” but “how are you resilient?” - Which is why I prefer a picture of an endlessly resourceful slime mould over the more usual stock image of a brain being squashed and returning to its original shape or a tree growing out of a cliff-side.

You can use the Skillsbuilder Benchmark to assess your own essential skills including “Staying Positive” via https://benchmark.skillsbuilder.org/dashboard. A straightforward benchmarking exercise highlights areas of strength and gives recommendations for further development too!